Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
