allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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