Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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