I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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