I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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