There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
