3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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