I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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