i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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