I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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