yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
