my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
