I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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