yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
