I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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