she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I stole a fireplace last night.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
