last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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