nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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