Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
