he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
