I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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