Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I smell like Dick and happiness
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
