Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Come share oat with me in your robe
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