Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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