you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
