I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
