I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
