I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
