I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
