Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
