babies were throwing up all over the place
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
