the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Randomize
