Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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