I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
