found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
where are you?
Hypothermia
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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