Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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