The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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