is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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