Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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