I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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