I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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