So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
