Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
