You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
