there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
