He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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