Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
