Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
