He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Everclear isn't food dammit
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
