planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
